Reflections of a Dying Old Man

Last Updated on July 17, 2024 by The Unbounded Thinker

I am Atuma, a 90-year-old man whose death is near. I feel constantly weak and tired, I require more sleep, I have lost my appetite, and my muscles are so weak that I need help with everyday activities such as using the bathroom and eating. I wet my bed whenever I sleep, requiring my grandchildren to change my wet sheets regularly.

I feel like a burden to my loved ones and sometimes I think they secretly wish I was dead. I sometimes want death to come as soon as possible because I feel that I am frustrating my loved ones, who have to constantly watch over me.

Everybody, including my great-grandchildren, treats me like a baby. They delight in singing and reading to me, and they even help me get dressed. At first, I was frustrated and embarrassed, but as I get closer to death, I don’t care. In fact, I feel thankful to have people who love me.

I wonder how my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren could have treated me if I hadn’t treated them well when I was younger. I began truly loving them when I turned 60, a time when I realized that friends are not as reliable as family. This realization encouraged me to always shower them with gifts and treat them with love and respect. Although I am not sure, I think this is why they are showing me love.

Anyway, as I approach death, I am starting to feel strange. I feel like I am not my body anymore. I feel like the body is something I can take off and become free. I also feel a sense of inner peace that surpasses understanding. My mind is so calm and my heart is at peace. Although my body is weak, this sense of peace makes me feel blissful.

I think I have attained a permanent state of inner peace because I don’t care or worry about anything or anyone’s opinion anymore. Besides, the future and past don’t matter to me anymore and I don’t care whether I get this or that. The only thing that matters to me is living.

I am wondering if it’s possible to attain this state of inner peace at a young age.

Was trying to control life when I was a young man the reason why I never felt peaceful and blissful? Were the Taoists right when they said that life becomes blissful when you trust it and go with its flow rather than try to control it? Are our expectations and endless desires the primary source of stress?

I am now convinced that humans were designed to be in a peaceful and blissful state but the idea that we will only be happy when we acquire certain things is the primary reason for not experiencing this state. As I am discovering, the best approach to life is to pray for inner peace and trust that life will give us what makes us happy at the right time.

I am also realizing that the things I really desired always appeared when I least expected them. They came when I was not praying or longing for them. This made me realize that the universe knows our true desires and it gives them to us at the right time. Our job is to do our best, relax, and let God do the rest.

As my death is nearing, I really pity those who believe external things such as relationships, money, or property will make them happy and peaceful. These people will only experience true happiness and inner peace when everything external aligns in their favor, an occurrence that might not happen, and if it happens it will only do so for a very short period. Most of the time, these people will either be anxious, frustrated, or resentful. They will never enjoy the present moment and they will never experience true bliss until they realize that inner peace comes from within.

Another thing I am realizing while nearing my death is the beauty of this world. Now that I know that I am leaving planet Earth, I feel like I am leaving behind a breathtaking realm.

The sounds of birds and crickets, once a familiar background hum, are now more beautiful than ever. The melodies seem as if they were created to calm the mind.

The trees appear greener and the flowers appear brighter.  The sun appears beautiful and mysterious and the sunlight appears like a golden source of wonder that illuminates the world and brings everything to life.

At night I am always filled with a sense of awe as I gaze up at the moon and stars, which seem to be shining brighter than ever. I feel peaceful and excited while watching them. I lose myself in their beauty and each moment spent watching them becomes magical.

I think the world appears to be more beautiful now that I know my death is near because I’m living in the moment. When I was a young man, nothing appeared to be beautiful because I either lived in the present or the past. But now that I am nearing death and I am fully present, I feel as if a veil has been lifted from my eyes, allowing me to see the world in all its amazing beauty for the first time.

How I wish I had seen the world’s beauty before. Now that it’s too late, I can spend a whole day just watching birds and looking at trees and fields of flowers. I wish I had more time on earth. I wish I could live life all over again. But all this is impossible. My time is running out, and all I can do is appreciate the beauty that was always there and wish you all the best in the journey of life.

My wish for you is to live each day fully and see the beauty in every moment so that when your time comes, you shall leave Earth willingly.

Shalom